never scroll down & read, or connect, share, comment, criticize, challenge conmigo… feeling alive, at peace.
want to share to hear u <3
Reflecting on months ago and transitions to where we all are now.
before dawn not able to go back to resting
thoughts very strongly about living in Guadalajara or at least meeting people i have blood connection with
dont wanna be on fakebook, its hard when we wanna communicate and share and we are all over the place
if u wanna smoke/talk on fone/skype, so down for that…
its not the same, so see u very soon!!!!!! see whoever is going this wed for kkkourt
talked about getting group together to bring hella good art, zines, Liberated Lather & whatever else at the Flea Market in Galt, CA… it is Wednesdays…
hope ur feeling thinking breathing okay
songs along the way for background noises
IF YOU DONT FEEL INSPIRED TO READ THIS OR REPLY„, I GET IT… HELLA WORDS.
PLANNING TO READ WITH FRIENDS OUTLOUD WHATEVA AND SHARE SOMETIME OR PRINT OUT INSPIRATION BOOKS FOR LUVVAS»> ILYYEW!
»by the way, in May my mom is going to be gone and i will not stay in galt for these time, idk yet where«
thinking planning next rez trip, might go escape/connect there for a moment and plan with elders in person for bringing the next bigger group and make it focused and figure out what will come of it… who what where why how
Are you wanting to go visit Navajo rez this year? Planning 2 visits, hella work and inspiration and support
gracias madre por esto libro,
everything is fucked and disgusting
the more we learn, the more we mourn
lusting for love. overflowing with feeling
with everything learned now, harsh realities
generations of rethinking, screaming
wars, death, riots, volcanoes////////
more years of this new era
of spectacular death damnations
grow up, stay young, live fast, die young
what class did you grow up & live in before this planet?
just wanting to be distracted again by love & fantasies
of not living here, in urban jungles
words become for secretive. Running
from paranoid places with mosquito
drones infecting our veins with
viral surveillance & no one will let you run
so “stay in line, be good, we’re watching”
Now what will you do with all
that you know? Don’t be stuck!
Prayers with dance & sober prayer in court.
Really trying to figure life out!
FACE YOUR FEARS!
Thank you community-idk what id do with out you
Thank you spirits-thank you when ever i feel you & see you in a moment alone
Thank you for protección & guiding me when im off path or lost or hopeless
Thank you Mother- youve felt so much pain in your life, you will work To your death & i Hope you feel love And strength & healing as you taught me
M, youre always in my throughts
Ayana, been hard To contact or reach out To you in this hard time, find me when youre ready To be out of this. Ily how can i help? I get healing helping
Thank you Sarah, Frankie, Sharmi, Emad, Laura, Tobin, María, Autumn, Rolla, Reema. These people have opened their homes & lives To me in Bay when i needed places To stay & eased The struggle To survive this way again.
Thank you Arizona navarro mexirish familia, i think of you And am stronger from The moments in life & time we meet
Thank you To me for taking better care of my health, body, heart, mind, friends worlds, built on mutual aid And material support.
Thank you elders And sheep at navajo reservation.
ive stayed with Imad, Laura & Tobin this week. They came to pick me and my bags up from another friend’s place. its interesting how everything changes. I am so thankful & blessed to have community. Thank you Allah. Creator. Spirit. Mother nature, earth, moon. Im thankful to connect & learn around so many amazing people. Everything that ive ever wanted/needed is falling together.
Distractions & toxins in life for me:
Red flag warnings of death to yourself
taken off your path that only you can
really understand & know.
SIDE NOTE > Will i keep these books that i have as secrets or publish it all to the world one day when its ready? Should it stay autonomous? anonymous? is it all really too dangerous?
Ahhh, im happy. Syd is not in my life
& wont be. Crazy drama that helped me
see how young we are still! Not happy
if im in love wanting him.
He’s not coming back,
he’s not a comrade, friend, teacher, lover
For right now in your mind, dont forget
that his saliva is straight up poison
that will dry out your soul & stop your
heart, leaving it up to your mind
to think without feeling, which naturally
doesnt work for you. keep shedding
hope that he will ever again be a friend!
Lessons in life are hard… move on
Nahko Bear & Leah Song ‘Black As Night’ Unplugged in the Streets of Portland, ME
Decided to explain intimate details with growing comrades about being recently strapped down last year to hospital bed, not being able to explain the spiritual warfare i was fighting, not able to explain the reality i had with the words provided in this time & society. What i like about this apartment right now is that i always try to be & stay where theres family comradary- support, love, help, when there is need. providing couches, ground, food to people. Being that person in need & excited to pass it on to others who cross my path who i can give love/support to.
Learning so intensely about race has taught me to hate my light skin. Ashamed to be so light & display privledge of ancestry whiteness. its been hard to understand why i care, who ive been, who i am, who im not & that is all observed & understood by the hues of our skin, because of shit we cant control & black & brown sisters & brothers feeling the blows from the white world everyday.
Didnt hear back from a job, rejected from houses. Exhaustion, confusion
Comfort where i am
love & kindness in a world
where theyve tried to make
those not exist
Resistance becomes smiling at strangers walking by, staying humans in costumes with acts & anything that is not productive for survival, resistance & self defense during revolution must not put energy there.
I will now copy passages from the Quran that Emad chose for me to see about important portions which aid in needing protection. i was given a Quran from Hannibal attempted to start reading it & google all the words ive never heard of & been even more confused trying to piece together, different, time place, religion, worlds. Grew up with Christian brainwash confusion which made me a student with disabilities in college & then spiritually confused, trying to understand the world now myself while only having the cult bubbles of what i grew up with in churches & schools. i have been honest & open about who i am, who im not while trying to understand who i really am when that person is always changing. i am excited now to really study & write these parts of Quran for protection, told to look at by Imad’s father to him.
Honored to be guided in what portion to start understanding
Al lkklas The purity of Faith
In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful
1. Say: He is Allah.
The one & only.
2. Allah, the Eternal, Absolute;
3. He begeteth not,
nor is he begotten;
The early Makkan Surah provides the antidote to superstition and fear by teaching us to seek refuge in Allah from every kind of ill arising from outer nature & from dark & evil plottings & envy on the part of others.
-It is Allah who brings forth light from darkness and activity from death, spiritual enlightenment from ignorance and superstition. Banish fear & trust His providence. No danger, then, from the outer world. No secret plottings from perverted wills, no disturbance of your happiness or good, can affect the fortress of your inmost soul.
Al Falaq (The Daybreak)
In the name of Allah, Most Gracious Most Merciful
1. Say: I seek refuge with the Lord of the Dawn,
2. From the mischief of created things;
3. From the mischief of Darkness as it overspreads;
4. From the mischief of those who practise secret Arts;
5. And from the mischief of the envious one as he practices envy.
Introduction & summary to Surah 114 Al Nas
It warns us specifically against the secret whispers of evil within our own hearts.
-Insidious Evil lies in wait for man, & loves to whisper & withdraw, thus testing his will. But man can make Allah his sure shield; for Allah doth care for him & cherishes him: Allah is the heavenly king who gives him laws: And Allah is the goal to which he will return & be judged. Let man but place himself in Allah’s hands, & never can Evil touch him in his essential & inner life.
Al Nas (Mankind)
In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful
1. Say: I seek refuge with the Lord & Cherisher of Mankind
2. The king (or Ruler) of Mankind
3. The God (or Judge) of Mankind
4. From the mischief of the whisperer of Evil who withdraws (After his whisper)
5. The same who whispers into the hearts of Mankind
6. Among Jinns and among men
I am not sure after closing the Quran & reading the last pages how much of that I can truly understand but I treated the words with an openness to understand & have some moments in this reading & writing that have now moved, stayed with me & taught me much. My interest in Islam comes from a place of mad respect, I was not too long ago, terrified of darkness & allowing it to overcome & enter me & because i felt it & saw it, i believed it & my maddnes was mixture of something i can reimagine feeling less lost & confused. My body aches from running, my back, my head, full of heaviness tonight after reading these words i treated with much importance & with everything ive experienced & understood now, i am reading it for myself & thinking about the people in my life.
I have revisited my past reading this, talked a lot about the past, separated myself from many different groups & people. who am i? Today in conversations we talked about so much from the past of our lives & the changes which have brought us all together here.
Moments of it teaching me of Christianity’s flaws, of the reality of suffering & slavery.
i have thoughts about all my friends & all of the differences & the magic ive been exposed to & the feminism that is supremacist that ive stayed far from labeling myself.
And for the reasons of cults, i still must be critical of giving what i believe some power but so much of me is already feeling relieved reading these words tonight feeling a little less afraid or confused.
i feel like i can more honestly analyze the realities of my eyes, this life & ive run away from the whiteness.
im only 1/4 mexican & that is the only “dark” portion of me but im just a mostly white appearing person & have histories that connect with comrades except when coming to the place where i cant/dont/wont fully connect/relate to anyone not fitting/making any sense to most. My mind hurts & i want to rest but the questions i have after reading this now are:
-what was this written Quran provided to the world? written by who?
-Man He- the male seems to dominate as the one with path, taken off path by “feminine” “witchcraft” deception… this part reminds me, teaches a lot, i had to read it many times to understand it more by accepting what i needed to from it & i immediately think of “witchy feminist” friends that ive been super close with & understood & connect with, & see the privledge there too in these spaces & im reminded from this passage also when i came back terrified & afraid after being overcome & almost killed by a darkness that tried to take me, possibly my own maddnes, & how i warned women who called themselves witches (as i did too) that manipulating realities with there powerful shit not really fully understood, just to be careful of your own self power over realities & how it overtakes you. Anyways, it’s hard to fully accept how to read what reminds me of the He Him God of Christianity & the patriarchy of that religion radicals without spirituality have taught me & i still accept by trying to understand
Witchy capitalist mixed with
Materialism , Self-love, trauma, healing, a rise of wisdoms from women shared stories against men white feminism group spells reality changing shifting connectedness tarot cards to meditate & think differently
Another “anti-society” There is something to leave & take
What truly lead me to witchcraft originally in the bay was this culture of it, all over everywhere, new & exciting & there’s a witchy style. i dont want to turn on my friends & im not but im understanding & accepting of who they are, who i may of thought i was, while writing realities see personally but may have been afraid to understand & connect with. im confused about all the paths & choices in the world of who to be around, where to live, what to do, fears in dreams & fast glimpses in my mind. Tonight i am reminded, im not crazy.
Tomorrow i will fast from weed & have a clear focused mind.
i am reminded of darkness in people, past lovers who ive hurt & healed from & must warn myself again tonight, do not repeat passed mistakes. None of what some people can offer you is worth getting close or involved with.
Remember not to return to pain-makers.
Do not go after, stay trapped in-love with, open your self up to that pain-inflicting place of wanting the torture because i need it & want it.
Really desiring to seek everything new, now with new openness & confidence.
Leave the past behind & run away.
im full of passion & feeding off of realness community uniting & fighting teaching wisdoms preeching propaganda. comrade down friend missing hurting gone lost missing ive been trying to spread the word to those who know her, now everyone knows. Shes been diagnosed mental illness. What to do now shes missing? No way to prepare for this. Where are you? what do u need? i can hear you.
talk to me are you okay? Now that people who care about you are coming to me for questions, people you wanted support & love from now making decisions for you while your isolated lost somewhere. Day 2 now & theyve made flyers. we love you & we are thinking about you. i feel that you are warm & safe, Inshallah, Creator willing. Here for you support to you. te amo i love you
Can you see the moon? look at the moon? Day 3 tomorrow we will search for you. hear this. Staring at the moon praying to find my missing comrade.
last night, Yesturday !que bonita!
Many eyes, words, talks, hands sharing, smokes, drinks, tatuaje & cooking food. Many stories, many places shit is crazy we feel it together. last night in big parties of many welcomed & loved by many, but not all.
Ayana is at Stanford med hospital. I dont know for how long but shes there . only mom & sister can visit. Feeling lost & want to hug & speak with her. She did want support or did she have support? Prayer to the moon & hope she could feel the warm love & care from friend/warriors afar. te amo
Start a filing job today doing constructions started building trusts & love for so many in this community. often i feel like i say too much to just anyone on a regular basis & need to be thoughtful with every word i bring to life. im early today on bart to this job. i could start building a shack in fruitvale & should take this opportunity to move off of friends couches & floors one day for personal space. Ayana gets out of hospital in a couple-few days now & im confused with what she needs, what she’s going through. Many care about her. i keep sending prayers in the ways i know how. Laura & Imad told me about Muslims 3 days ago praying together & all over for rain in this drought & it care as they prayed. i say hello too Allah, Pele, Creator, Spirit, all.
It would be so nice to have a space. I hope to be a better friend to people whove been there for me too. im confused about who i believe about anything. sharpening critical minds when i go out into real world scenarios constantly collecting more perspectives. Death dryness confused about whats happening in the world universe.
El mar con amorigas manana.
Prayer en el bosque
Surrounded by la cuidad for so long makes me stop!
Alto, slow. What do you want to do with your life?
How do you live, survive each day?
What are you doing?
im hiking with beautiful warriors today, spiritual prayer stop
Bliss begins with the welcome of the birds in their land.
Traveling & content. before the hike we share smoke & food
& hiphop histories oral traditions stories exchanging gifts
& words its a time of sharing growth & celebration.
Couldnt stop smoking yet. Been wondering if i want this secretary job being filing slave to concrete industry, where my mom & many of our familia have been in from LA. Been wondering if i should just go back to some under the table pay. Hoe do i want to show my body? What clothes would i rather where? What positions & roles make me happiest? what slave wage face should i wear? what do i believe? what am i learning? what am i looking for? who am i fighting with & what is the cause? Are warriors of today what weve become together? can i run away? or can i play dress up & have stimulating conversations with women, trans, two spirit godesses, battling the world & the men they are submissive to or dominate.
Today i went from place to place from home to home biking alone with community of the streets.
in the streets hide-aways escape going back into blurred moments of places see from past dreams where lessons & connections are made. Realness in a place where i can speak stories with new friends// growing in the numbers of people & support built upon the care systems from mothers, womyn. Sharing here-food, life, in-person interactions. Running from situations of judgement, running to lovers, kissing again & not completely feeling emotionally opened up yet & vulnerable. i like & love the crew in my life & the people in all these cities that we have. Revisiting the past. Who to trust who to fight with- questions about ideal worlds & how to live- whose rules & system we are under- they are hurting us but we are hurting us as well. Ranting out conversations & intenseness & realness flows out when we both feel it. Blessed, loved, appreciated-Let’s ride
With how its been, are you going/staying people everywhere praying people creating cultures of their own or remembering their own histories of our Ancestors killed colonizers is a reminder to how far weve come youth disconnected from their elders. how do we speak & whats important. We need lessons.
Hear the beat of the drum// war sands another black & brown brother down. another black youth shot down on the block of Mead & candles all night, every night since. we are outraged at these deaths. we human animals do to each other what they do to us. listening to dreams & seeing why realities flowing out words & not a care really to do everything my heart desire & open up giving love.
Dear Ayana, How do i speak to you know as they have hid you away & silenced you? worse than being locked up if we cant see you or speak to you. you are so love & missed by so many youve been in the presense of & moved with. Thank you for your love & closeness with me even when we ran away from each other. always been together with thoughts & mad love// appreciation. sorry if i havent been there for you if you needed a friend/lover/comrade/sista/ when you get out seems like shit is gonna be different. you will have some stories to tell. hope your writing, making art, friends. Wish i could be there to feel shit witchu, youre a goddess & a warrior & your passionate soul explodes & drenches us in the blood of the pains of our mothers & our ideas to run away, disappear, join the circus, take the streets, is so far now.
i have 2 earring for you made from the people of Peru. bones & dream catcher. i have the other two & if we cant be together just remember if you are lost or lonely or heart aching or drugged or mind changing ill be there how i can for you if you need it. let me know. what do you need? are you able to hear when i stare at the moon & feel like im speaking to you? im sorry they got you. wondering who youve been, whose been there for you. who you love & feel close to. i wish we could just do everything now what you want to do. what are your dreams my love? Amoriga, womyn, healer, teacher, powerful preecher, of what you know. Sorry for unnecessary arguments & disputes & its been scary & hard to be close & weve been avoiding meeting but i never stopped thinking, missing, loving you. Thank you for adventures. Dont b sad <3s
I wasnt wanting to write but many important changes are happening. This 2014 year is important. Every year is important but i feel this year within me & my community is Oakland feels the importance of these moments now, what we want to make happen together & the reality that is can all happen because we are together & the reality that it can all happen because we are together. How did we all get here? How do all our different histories interact so that we can fight together? im moving into Autumn & Mari’as monday in two days from now, & this is very good for me & i need this support & stability. Real love & respect coming out genuinely is felt & accumulating. Mari’a gave me a traditional Pu’rapecha dress that has embroidered on it, the flower design of her Native peoples. We are warriors already & training our minds & bodies together. i plan to be a mother for a child & im 22 years old. i want to have sugar gliders as pets first thought & practice being a good care giver. i will pass my drug test this week because i am sober still day 4 now. Not smoking weed is hard because im forced to think about my past. We talked about our pasts tonight, & the reality of the struggles. Prison makes me think of my asshole prison guard father who hurt me by the ways he spoke// yelled at me growing up, how they forced me into counceling saying i was crazy, when they are crazy. ive run far from my past in Sacramento, i was raped in Elk Grove & have that trauma. More than actual events happening, its that i wasnt strong enough then or knowledgeable enough or confident enough to fight back or know that i should. Broken family at 4 years old. Always living out of suit cases, moving, struggling single mama survival. My childhood is such a blur & i like to keep it that way, but shit comes back that makes me want to breakdown & runaway again. Brainwash from Christianity & from prison guard mentality. These were my parents lessons. My German Portuguese was an abusive, racist pig, macho, masoganist, verbally abusive, screamer. I was so accustomed to his abrupt freakouts & outbursts & its easy to feel bad for someone so misreable as him. Living in a cesspool of trash & hoarding. His comedy/humor was Amerikkkan racist. My memories of dinner involve tv trays, tv always & him looking at porn, while “the family” my step-mother, camille sometimes & i would see what sites he was on- kingofass.com. These are the results of his bloodlines tracing back to the Natzis or some shit. My memories of uncle jack was that he was straight up kkk racist & told me to never love a black person when i was younger & at the time, i was in private christian school, in love with a black boy. Now i live in Oakland, a historically black neighborhood & gentrification is changing everything here. My fathers mother oma lucy- she made fun of fat peolpe & gays.- Natzis. Why else would these misreable white folks be here in Amerikkka if they werent running from being part of a holocaust there. i honestly dont know their history or why they are here, & that is okay. i dont feel like ive lost any part of me since everytime one dies i rejoice. Another terrible person i have no emotions or care for dropped dead. No sympathy. Their family slowly dieing away. im being brutal here but just blatenly honest. i experienced a world in my fathers home in Sac no one else in the world can understand or feel. i dont even have a majority of these memories & the most liberating moments i hold on to involve running away. Running from the disabilities & instabilities & insecurities & pecularities of my dad. i used to love him & now i cant speak to him. He yelled at me too many times, every night there would be a reason to blow up. Some nights worse than others & he never hurt me physically but the damage was done with the lessons he installed in me that ive been trying to unlearn.
This is why i am thankful for my mother & her family. This is why i write about her & her closeness gives me strength. He is guarding everynight & i can care less about whats going on there & i wont know how it is because i refuse to go back there. My step mother fights him back & they are/were a disfunctional mess of crazy. paranoid parents trying to control their childrens everything. i hope camille can get herself out of there & i still do care about her. Maybe everything is different. Maybe they are all at peace now & helping each other. but that is not my family & those are not my people. i have some memories of my father- i hope to take back the collection of Native American artwork & stone collection he has all as good memories. He is someone who is hard for me to talk about outloud & since we spoke of our families & pasts tonight , i almost teared up many moments feeling overwhelmed that there is so much i keep in or cant explain or dont want to.
i am ready for everything new to happen.
the holdout opens up friday & theres a double feature movie party. Some deep comrades converge tomo for personal ice cream & movie party. i see muneeza & tomas & reema tomo in person. A serious meeting we will be having. We all have changed so much in a year. 4 month in palestine & now Muneeza is with her family, helping her mom. we both have connected by the hurt our fathers have put us & our mothers through.
i have had to tell people mostly my mom & camille to stop telling me to speak to my dad, that i dont have to & demanded respect for these decisions. FUCK HIM. Thats not my life or my fight. i have more pain than gain. My friends are my people & my community sustains me & im here in west oakland because of these people, because of the history, the teachings, the education i get from these deep souls.
i see how fast life is going by & we are youth quickly transforming into older selves, gaining life experience from struggle & we will always be struggling. But then there are nights like there where 15 or so of us sqweese together on the same couch, eating homemade foods, laughing, then serious tak, humor is needed. The older we get, the more we laugh on our youth. i am a baby. Time to rest & dream. When i move into this room & make it my sacred sanctuary of hiding & art-making & love-making & aloneness & smoking & reading & writing & loving.
i am sober & writing & my pen hasnt stopped. Sugar gliders will come into my life & heal me. Owning pets contradicts everything but they wont live in a cage. im content tonight.
Today a beautiful black elder asked if she could kiss my tattoo of Mother Mary & child. That kiss protected both of us. i often kiss the mother & mary myself for love of our bodies & the womyn struggle on this earth. Someone told me that that this tattoo might be looked down upon since first of all i chose to mark myself with such a sacred symbol to religious catholic mexicans but also the indigenous Mayan & Aztecs, but also that her symbol is defaced, masked rebel with prayer & weapon. i have only recieved stories of love & appreciation for this mother & child though. Her kiss was felt & appreciated. This tattoo has allowed me to connect with the public in ways i would not have & protected me. te amo madres
feeling overwhelmed with people over texts with trying to coordinate family/friends getting ayana out. Exhausted overstimulated from being around hella people at el qilombo. the interactions of fake small talk to real smoke/argue/conversations rants vents walkout oldout energies. back. head explosions realization confusions fit-in step back who you? Who are you? Confused in the process of baby »> warrior. Already a warrior but learning the basics of how to speak, how to think, how to act, how to react. What i feel should be valid but i dont feel strong enough to say shit, loud enough or proud enough, cuz im still learning although im always seeing & feeling excited for Ayana to be free hope we can find nature tomo & she can finally decide what she wants to do with her life. Not sure whats going on right now.
UNPLUG FROM THE VORTEX
hating on the internet, the techno ways we communicate now. how do we run away when now we just wait for them to eat us away & lock us up when they ready. excited to share my room with this sista comrade luva again. Hope to make art & go on explosion adventures & stay spiritual & active & run & fight & read & play & learn & grow. Excited for tomo today. happy now with the direction shit is going. we feel like something is about to pop off. Feeling shitty & anxieties tonight, what is this?
Time to burn weed & sage deactivate Fakebook feeling detached, emotional, sensitive, crazy, distracted
tiempo fumar ahora
Really appreciating the reality of community around me. sure issues will always be there but we are trying to still fight despite the odds against us to not be strong, or survive. we got homes, food, smoke, warmth, prayer, each other. Mari’a invited me to ceremoines with her, going to musjid, prayer friday & sisters Atia & Yasmine will be there. wanting to make prisoner support drawings/paintings/food.
hes locked up @Vacaville & its all fucked. Free Antoine! Sharena’s brother. Hurting tonight with the hurting community in all directions. The prison industry & police deaths & brutality to community is felt.tired tonight.
Ayana has moved in & was dancing & singing & making music with Rola & going to a healer tomorrow morning & massage tonight. She is happy free.& feeling warmth & love. Downstairs getting used to this new house. Everything is still new for me too. inspired to start painting & to read & to figure out work for myself someday. failed drug test for mary jane, everything happens for a reason.
Not meant to be. Excited for this. Happy comrade is safe. away from people trying to cage her & make her crazy. Happy about where we live… who we are friends with in this comm UNITY & womyn two spirit creatures are gonna take over el qilombo from the bros.
Every conversation is a battle out there. we all spiritual creatures carrying out these missions from Creator// ready to let go of past to move forward. Ready to train the mind, be serious while just living & doing how we do. im thankful for the people in all of our lives & im ready to keep learning with people. i dont feel heard or respected all the time & im learning u get that with time in community for what u passionately fight for.
Maria y Muneeza are both these revolutionary, perceived feminized materialized, warriors///all of my womyn sisters now are warriors fighting these men. Ready to change more in my life. This journal is about to end & a new phase is coming in just as this creative energy is the community flows. She is snoring next to me & im appreciating this reality right now. Feels hard outside police everywhere started to make me afraid. Happy to not have smartfone, delete fakebook, going to real world now. im confused & overwhelmed about all these changes, this year is full of a lot & will teach us a lot. Hard but good. Happy to be in Oakland, appreciative of my grandparents. Te amo familia de rez y Navarros y mama’.
thank you for reading.