1. Oakland and hitching on the coast 2013

     

  2. ill always love you oakland, and appreciate what you taught me <3

    ill be back

     

  3. Navajo reservation wildness hitchhiking

     

  4. Navajo Reservation sheep herding

     


  5. for sharing & healing purposes only <3

    since this feels hella vulnerable… im opening myself for u to do what u will with these personal words.
    never scroll down & read, or connect, share, comment, criticize, challenge conmigo… feeling alive, at peace.
    want to share to hear u <3

    Reflecting on months ago and transitions to where we all are now.

    before dawn not able to go back to resting

    thoughts very strongly about living in Guadalajara or at least meeting people i have blood connection with
    realizing i want to share with you and type journal from months ago now of what i think u might appreciate hearing

    dont wanna be on fakebook, its hard when we wanna communicate and share and we are all over the place

    if u wanna smoke/talk on fone/skype, so down for that…

    its not the same, so see u very soon!!!!!! see whoever is going this wed for kkkourt
    talked about getting group together to bring hella good art, zines, Liberated Lather & whatever else at the Flea Market in Galt, CA… it is Wednesdays…

    hope ur feeling thinking breathing okay

    songs along the way for background noises


    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAJBZXIzKc

    IF YOU DONT FEEL INSPIRED TO READ THIS OR REPLY„, I GET IT… HELLA WORDS.
    PLANNING TO READ WITH FRIENDS OUTLOUD WHATEVA AND SHARE SOMETIME OR PRINT OUT INSPIRATION BOOKS FOR LUVVAS»> ILYYEW!

     


    »by the way, in May my mom is going to be gone and i will not stay in galt for these time, idk yet where«
    thinking planning next rez trip, might go escape/connect there for a moment and plan with elders in person for bringing the next bigger group and make it focused and figure out what will come of it… who what where why how
    Are you wanting to go visit Navajo rez this year? Planning 2 visits, hella work and inspiration and support


    p1
    1948

    gracias madre por esto libro,

    everything is fucked and disgusting

    p2
    the more we learn, the more we mourn
    lusting for love. overflowing with feeling
    with everything learned now, harsh realities
    generations of rethinking, screaming
    wars, death, riots, volcanoes////////
    more years of this new era
    of spectacular death damnations
    grow up, stay young, live fast, die young
    what class did you grow up & live in before this planet?
    just wanting to be distracted again by love & fantasies
    of not living here, in urban jungles
    words become for secretive. Running
    from paranoid places with mosquito
    drones infecting our veins with
    viral surveillance & no one will let you run
    so “stay in line, be good, we’re watching”
    Now what will you do with all
    that you know? Don’t be stuck!


    p3
    militant surrealism
    choose a side, play, die.

    same shit
    different day

    you can just forget & live on huh?

    p4
    New Years Resolutions
    -tattoo aspirations? tattoo fruit
    -draw more, all the time, make portfolio, practice
    -feel comfy & confident & honest & real & fight
    -dance more
    -start planning travel
    -Never give up on kissing
    -start painting like Frida
    -inspiration being with friends again
    -find community whereva possible
    -Find isolation & space for individual writing, thinking, art, sanity, running
    -collaborative art projects, videos, murals
    -Doula schooling in LA or Bay or Chiappas
    -Be fit, be alert, feel good, eat good & be ready to fight anyone anyway
    -Stay connected with people who matter family & friends in cities away
    -No mas muertes in Az
    -figure out if i should start working, living, driving, somewhere
    -zapatista escuelita en abril?
    -forest/nature hongos medicine solo date
    -make tree house in forest sqwat
    -trip out with someone close
    -ride with more horses
    -read books worth reading
    -make bow & arrows con abuelo
    -Figure out huge goals/aspirations projects with all that is possible/known
    p5
    work & school & money & food & car & fuel & coffee & weed & apartment & routine & events & people & court dates & moving & empire & death & wage slavery & running away out of their worlds, their rules, their expectations, but you come back
    p6
    One of those really fucked up feeling daze
    today where everything feels crazy &
    not sure why really. Syd & i  looked each
    other in the face today. I was driving with
    Sarah & friends, he was biking toward
    the car. That moment fucked with me
    but not really at all. i feel how far ive
    come, how different, complex i feel &
    think about all of that. Most def in
    the past now. Last night Sarah’s grad
    school party dissertation moment for
    all our friends from pasts came together.
    It was beautiful. So happy to keep seeing
    beloved faces, meet new creatures &
    be in the bay right now. Shit feels
    beautiful being back around
    chosen families again. Appreciating time
    & life, being wild & free lately. Smoking
    lots of weed & already inspiring art
    projects & nature adventures blend.
    We are animals in costumes visibly
    showing our current situations with our
    clothes. te amo, sirena Pray & learn
    stay posi & make love & art -cry
    p7
    10 food protect from fukashima radiation
    1.citrus pectin or apple pectin
    2.spirulina & chlorella
    3.seaweeds
    4.Foods high in carotenes
    5.cabbage family
    6.Herbs in high selenium
    -nettles
    -burdock root
    -catnip
    -ginseng
    7.Legume family
    -lentils
    -astrgalus
    -red clover
    8.Miso soup
    9.Reishi mushroom
    10.cilantro
    Avoid:sea life from pacific, dairy and meet
    (especially in ghetto and other poor neighborhoods where they send the most radiated foods)
    -star an anti-nuke themed community garden
    p8
    traveling alone & single feels open
    & people’s faces become prey
    to stare downs & check outs &
    who are you? what are you, different one>
    ive become so self-obsessed & looking at my own
    Fb or tumblr or photos or journals. My world
    that others cant really exist in either right
    now. Not fully. not enough to have any
    romantic or playful relationships again.
    But, that possability alone is exciting.
    im happy with isolation & im really never
    alone when going. Always with people.
    Frankie said “the 13 yr old me
    would really admire and respect the person
    now- which is really special” i agree
    we’ve all come so far
    20 years, phases/seasons
    Realized also im not freaked out at
    night anymore right now. Residual heart
    aches come & go in fluttery nostalgic
    moments. Angry at the racism & questions
    & insecurities & secret thoughts in our
    minds we would never say out loud.
    Is it brainwash or not my opinions at all
    to have those thoughts, hard to be in
    public, talk, look at people, relate
    & i dont want that. i want to talk with strangers & share stories & smoke.

    p9
    realistic dreams
    -rehabilitation for people leaving church or cults & back into reality
    -runway to the forest to be alone for awhile
    -try to survive outside & find places

    today i stared into a mirror with a lot of feeling & watched my eyes cry


    image

    sweet honey in the rock still on the journey - Bing Vide…
    Microsoft Internal This dialog allows Microsoft employees to give confidential feedback on adult content found in Bing Images.

    Preview by Yahoo

    p10
    HURTS WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE
    WHO HURTS YOU BECUZ YOU
    LOVE THEM BECUZ THEY
    HURT. AND THAT HAS
    NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU,
    SO YOU SHOULD DROP THE
    LOVE FOR THE PAIN BECUZ
    THEN YOU WONT HURT
    p11
    picked up this journal because im finally alone again, for a moment traveling between places. walking to Bart to get to another friends. stopped to smoke after giving my number to a stranger who was sweet, snorted white dusk before he asked & i cant say no because i dont want to. How else do i make friends or learn from the world? Dealing & i traveled on & got lost in the streets alone as i always do. Always find myself lost reading maps & confused & trying other ways asking people everywhere along the way. Dropped my joint sacred & little any alone wandering like me & i knew it was time to write because these moments alone are magic & memories leave quickly & how else can i save these moments? the want wasnt in line or following any trails. the ants at their hills are workers there sure, following line & directions from meetings underground, multiplying & there will always be wanderers…
    p12
    Tonight i am staying with a new friend/
    Needed a place to stay tonight
    running from place to place
    waking early for court & prayers
    before the sun rises a new day
    I see mannie tomorrow & maria
    Made these two warriors jewelry
    gifts today at sarahs. Today was
    a day of art making & visiting
    with people. Mannie gets a
    coin from 1974 Pakistan & another
    for her mother, beaded necklace
    then metal feather weapon blades
    & beads for maria. theyve been
    women who ive stayed close with
    organizing, while away to Palestine
    & Chiappas, organizing, growing, learning
    fighting & again KKKourts bring us
    together. Nervous for our Muslim
    brothers T & H who are facing attack.
    Prayers with dance & sober prayer in court.
    Excited about where im going»>
    P13
    For the first time in my life I looked
    at my mothers home in Galt, CA
    & saw the work that built this
    house & saw it all as little pieces
    the nails in the ground were nailed
    the wooden accents & door hinges,
    all built by hands. Time & energy,
    many hands & minds built this house
    & the hundreds & thousands around it
    Everything has a story & time & this
    world erases all of it, mystery
    Lives we will never know, spirits
    felt we are never sure of. Since i
    dont follow any religion or book
    since i cant speak politics or have read
    enough books to be considered
    academic, since my jobs might be
    under the table work, whatever.
    however, since i stopped working
    in the work world jobs. since i stopped
    hearing advice, since i run away a lot
    & become lost & confused, who will ever
    hear from me or read these words?
    p14/15
    who wants me?
    i remember drinking with rola this week on a hill in oakland after court snacking & staring at the movements in the streets, people, dogs, bikes, cars, or movements in the branches, the sky, the grass. What have i been wanting to be? where to live? what to fight? what is my fight? how have i lost ambition alone again? all reasons overwhelming talk with my mother & safe from friends, so i cry. I ALWAYS CRY WITH HER. We cry. We drink wine together at night to sleep & thinking or talking of our pasts makes us cry. My mother had to work & staying in Galt home alone is cold, dark & empty. A empty large home alone, so i drove on the freeway towards her work somewhere & while she works, ive been dropped off to adventure Elk Grove Laguna Blvd & i see the shops & the spending & the food  & the cars & the rukus… i have become tired fast not having a place in Oakland and the feeling of not being welcomed or loved overtime when i keep rushing, moving, exhausted from place to place to rest. New bike from a new friend Paul. He is awesome! He pimps out bikes with gold spray paint & foil for kids who get A’s in schools in Oakland, & im sure he would do it for any kid if they asked him. i bought a skinny time bike for 30$ this week & already love it! So searching for where when why who how of life & living but i can try & do anything/// so i wanna try everything. skateboarded from freeway exit my mom dropped me at & im in a field in the most nature that exists in EG. Field & birds & cars & smoking… trash. Writing allows me to exist. i can see myself living & changing over time.
     
    p16
    My mom tells me more stories of how she grew up now & ive always wanted to know it all. i see why she kept so much from me. her childhood sounds crazy & hard. She desperately wanted her parents to notice if she was missing, what trouble she would get into to show them. Sounds like she jumped from man to man took all the opportunities her youth took her, on planes, in cars, taken, lost, Mexico.  im speaking more like her now. i see how much shes aged. How much ive worried her over the years now? All the times she was on her knees praying to a god i hate & dont understand, because this religions history has killed & pacified so many & im on the edge, trying to escape either a city, people, heartbreak or with drugs. i think its time to rest somewhere.
    p17
    In reality, deep down, I just want to live & escape into nature. The city world sucks you into it until you are eatten alive & die. Tumbling, tumbling, we all fall down. I get sick of the city, as much as I love the city, but it makes me want to run away. Sitting with the wind alone is how i pray. havent stared at the moon for awhile, last night it was full & i was with my mother. She said- im cancer &youre the moon,-so we’re together.
    Her heart, her love, her passion, her connections, her conversations warms me & warns me & i cry. Her wisdom & hurt, her pains, her world, her work, her jobs, its al so much. Im happy is shes happy. Lviing life she just wants me to be happy & we talked about how life is just not always gonna be happy, it’s gonna be hard.
    p18
    My clothes are funny i realized. Elk Grove feels foreign to me. Thinking about my youth here & what i got away with & how that feels hard & scary now// different & what are all the risks & does that prevent us from doing anything at all? yesturday i went into a liquor gas station store for $ at ATM for weed smoke & a black man was yelling at the black cashiers that they were slaves to the system still picking modern cotton & the entire place was tranced but moving on with their days still. Moments like that is when i get history of right now. Racism in Amerikkka has the poor fighting each other while the upper classes are way out of reach into their realms & now Oakland has both worlds on the same streets, changing the entire city.
    p19
    Are you happy?
    Happy being with my mother again
    Happy to be in nature right now again
    the sun is warming my face & i havent
    eatten but smoked, i write about smoking
    a lot because it really is a medicine
    to me & helps me to write, think, do art
    makes you thirsty, tired & zombie sometimes
    but thats also the body telling what it needs-
    exciteed to live somewhere again, visit loved ones,
    be intimate again, dance, read, paint, ahhhhhhhh
    bike to nature. Thinking about working at
    Fantasy Makers again & other “entrapeneur” self-employed
    work not having bosses.
    Might do this, might do that- just go, do, try
    p20
    my mom and i are just trying to be together
    & it feels really good, healing. We boughts
    a VHS player from goodwill for 8$ & will watch
    baby videos of me together soon. shes
    always talked about the past, me as a baby
    & raising me, putting a roof over my head
    & so easily i cry & dont know why
    except that life is hard if you wanna
    survive or youll be eatten alive by yourself.
    Religion, politics, brainwash, control, work,
    live, breathe, survive. Job, apt, home, car,
    schedule, routine… What are the other options?
    Run away & dont come back? Be lost a lot.
    Stay here in the past, explore, speak, learn.

    Really trying to figure life out!

    FACE YOUR FEARS!
    p21
    i feel like ive fallen out of love
    spells once i stopped playing
    make believe. mi mama
    my mind traps my heart
    until obsession takes over me
    stoned smoggy drought
    impossible disasters
    Welcome to the new age
    2014 big crash boom
     ashes ashes we all fall down///
    where are we now?
    how is the world turning out?
    has disaster struck?
    where are you safe to run.
    Exhausted again from these
    citys & people & places & faces
    & smartfones to places, map quest
    im exhausted tired stoned inspired
    happy excited drawing, adventures
    Fallowing my dreams still too
    much fakebook movies rest
    FALLING OUT OF LOVE
    FALLING IN LOVE WITH MYSELF
    p22
    Listing blessings
    Thank you community-idk what id do with out you
    Thank you spirits-thank you when ever i feel you & see you in a moment alone
    Thank you for protección & guiding me when im off path or lost or hopeless
    Thank you Mother- youve felt so much pain in your life, you will work To your death & i Hope you feel love And strength & healing as you taught me
    M, youre always in my throughts
    Ayana, been hard To contact or reach out To you in this hard time, find me when youre ready To be out of this. Ily how can i help? I get healing helping
    Thank you Sarah, Frankie, Sharmi, Emad, Laura, Tobin, María, Autumn, Rolla, Reema. These people have opened their homes & lives To me in Bay when i needed places To stay & eased The struggle To survive this way again.
    Thank you Arizona navarro mexirish familia, i think of you And am stronger from The moments in life & time we meet
    Thank you To me for taking better care of my health, body, heart, mind, friends worlds, built on mutual aid And material support.
    Thank you elders And sheep at navajo reservation.

    p23
    ive stayed with Imad, Laura & Tobin this week. They came to pick me and my bags up from another friend’s place. its interesting how everything changes. I am so thankful & blessed to have community. Thank you Allah. Creator. Spirit. Mother nature, earth, moon. Im thankful to connect & learn around so many amazing people. Everything that ive ever wanted/needed is falling together.

    p24
    Distractions & toxins in life for me:
    Red flag warnings of death to yourself
    taken off your path that only you can
    really understand & know.
    SIDE NOTE > Will i keep these books that i have as secrets or publish it all to the world one day when its ready? Should it stay autonomous? anonymous? is it all really too dangerous?

    Ahhh, im happy. Syd is not in my life
    & wont be. Crazy drama that helped me
    see how young we are still! Not happy
    if im in love wanting him.
    He’s not coming back,
    he’s not a comrade, friend, teacher, lover
    For right now in your mind, dont forget
     that his saliva is straight up poison
    that will dry out your soul & stop your
    heart, leaving it up to your mind
    to think without feeling, which naturally
    doesnt work for you. keep shedding
    hope that he will ever again be a friend!
    Lessons in life are hard… move on

    Nahko Bear & Leah Song ‘Black As Night’ Unplugged in the Streets of Portland, ME

     
    p25
    I have a strong feeling that life is about to drastically change for me as im already in the transition process. i finish, or try to finish the very expensive piece on my arm of masked mother & child. The passion flower is unfinished. I really am feeling great. i could be out in the streets crying feeling heavy but im high & have real community support that Oakland provides for me here. There is a type of education that I get in the presence of people who i have mad respect for. Happier to connect strong with my mother, make new friends, have goals, interview, library learning, self-taught art class, adventures in all directions, be somewhere & have the freedom to leave, or bike, art supplies & desire, the privilege to share. Feeling so over-whelmingly blessed beyond belief. 
    p26
    Its crazy how Morgan reminds me of Syd in a strange way. These really hard relationships hurt deep & still do. Still care about fucked up people & that always feels the worst. What fuck is wrong with me? Cant control my emotions, gonna feel what im gonna feel. Now & forever i will keep these things to myself. Really appreciating the love, support, the help & receiving gifts right now, actually manifesting desires. Today i was starving with Laura & i said pasta & veggies would be good. i feel like such a kid. that was the food at Emad’s moms. His sisters have such beautiful, silly personalities. Their family is amazingly close & strong. They are Muslim & I could tell there are spiritually solid people, strict in their history & beliefs. Felt like i shared too much, spoke a lot of myself confidently & honestly. i feel changed & feel good in my body & with myself. im on a path. If i got off path again, i will know.
    p27
    "i heard about you & sarah’s arguement back & forth & ive only said good things about you & that was all Sarah not me. Still wish you well. IDK why you are always thinking ive been your enemy when ive just worshiped you & wanted to be your friend. Have a really amazing life Syd."
    msg from mama’
    "you bring me strength. i have peace when i know you have a focus & are strong. i need to know youre okay"
    p28
    So, i began reading the autobio of Malcolm X tonight the third night at Laura, Imad & Tobins. Frankie came to Oakland today for court tomorrow. Comrades, friends met at Holdout today to wash, sweep, scrub & wax the wooden floors. The space is being cleaned out of its passed drama, its racial & economic divides. Its a serious space of POC (A), Black Riders & commUNITY in Oakland. Murals will be going up in 2 weeks. It says DEMONS FEAR ME on the wall outside in front of the empty landfill that will actually become a community garden soon. The focus is on black & brown unity & youth & feeding people & mutual aid & community. Global warming winter of unforgettable breath-taking alive winds waking me & keeping me happy & inspired. Sun warmth winter of getting shit done new year different drive & focus, i feel like im straight up a new person now. im learning so much at Laura & Emads & meeting their sisters & mother. Yasmine, Atia, Michelle. Beautiful Muslim sisters.
    p29
    Herbalism, growing food for survival the graffiti now reads Grow Food or Die. We are in a state of Emergency drought. i predict wars over waters as theyve already begun. Cops now go to your door in Sac if you use too much water. Police State changes becoming less & less surprising as we now just have to focus changing the ways the world used to be. In a hiphop book here it said “you dont know the era you are in until it passes” but we all feel how crazy the techn-boom futuretake-over now keeps making the cages we live in smaller & smaller. We have to share.
    p30
    We have to share to survive & i will do that for the rest of my life. im so inspired that im making art more regularly. im educating myself daily in small doses. Getting lost in the libraries in Oakland for hours. i water color painted a covered woman with a snake on her shoulder & sketched a Quetzal & moon moth for future drawings. Going to be serious about making art, creating what is inside of me, copying inspiring works. im so excited to be in Oakland. Still no job or place but have an interview #2 at Happy Hounds :) im stying in the most important place that i want to be. since ive only been here 3 nights, my respect for the inhabitants of this apartment is mad growing. im not sure if i know how much im learning from them until i leave… Appreciating Living
    p31
    endless histories tieing together what we know, what they know, but really we just dont know but i follow what makes sense for the path that im on now, running away from the past while staying where i need to be right now. Real support, comes to me & these words are prayers appreciating, thanking. Waking before the sun to run & pray for Frankie. Spirits are high. We are passing on positive love & energy to each other when we speak, connect, feel together. im letting this happiness ride. im reanalyzing last year & those lessons & im moving on. i have much learning & training to do & im here to be focused & fight everything.
    by any means necessary.
    p32
    i know ive already said this, but this year feels different. Divides, changes, people, paths, time for smoke & writing. On a curb outside event for Egyptian Revolution.
    life update- learning & hanging out regularly with deep people who care & talk about real shit pretty constantly, not feeling nervous or uncomfortable or awkward. Thinking about the drama in my life. What ive decided to avoid, who ive decided to avoid & how to live my life. im blessed. Excited to see my mama for 2 days then my birthday with Sarah. Learning so many new names & seeing others from the recent past again in important meetings & spaces. This is how we stay globally aware together sharing stories & photos & videos while trapped in a place of misinformation & perspectives of control for the privledged, while the rest fight wars on their lands & the US pretends they arent involved in the modern colonialism , this is all just defense. i cant fathom anymore, that those realities exist.
    p33
    There’s a lot of people here now & im stoned & overwhelmed. i hide writing alone in the back. Avoiding everything around me to talk here. Piano is being played, 100 people all talking in simultaneous clusters of new & old connections. My mother is driving from Galt to Oakland as she always does to see me. This feeling, the vibrations of a wave of this sound. i can feel the laughs, each laugh. im really inspired to write. i can be honest & real & blunt & tell of all the stories from the past & how they weave into who i am today. Each time i write, i know that in just weeks i can reread something & time has already given me a whole new set of emotions. Syd is not in my life, Ayana is not wanting to talk. Been other places & people lately. Everything changes.
    p34
    Driving with my mom as she uses her phone, gps & ipad for work while driving always balancing a million things, always behind, always rushing, always late, traffic stops, i jolt when we almost crash like ive been in many accidents. We argue about the memories & details from the past. She stares at me & my clothes & asks questions happy to be in my life. I can still be a child in her home, exploring, learning, escaping. Back to Oakland. Friends texting messages of love today.  My bags & items, instruments all crammed in this car before i disperse it all at the various homes in Oakland where i can rest & play. Getting excited for this year. i want a lover, many maybe & to runaway often alone. One day i do want a child.
    p35
    Dreams Prayer Needs Living    Desires
    went to kareoke bar with friends & sleepy stoney all night. Just happy to leave the bar & be in Sharmi’s bed of blankets cozy & in & out of dreams all morning. Sharing lasgna & carrot cake with multiple houses ive stayed. walking to get bike hidden in a bush on 31st st way far away from Sharmis at Lake Merit & then to Frankie in Berkley where we will make breakfast. Shes staying in bay for week now that court is over. Looking/fantasizing about a place to live someone to cuddle with. Trying to manifest desires & live somewhere. Still unsure about a job yet.  Feeling crazy with items everywhere. Happy to do art eventually.  To move my messes out of Sarahs apartment. To run with friends. Be at the holdout to help with shit. Do murals on the walls. Live with older people. Date older people. Spend time with animals. Go out to nature. Visit my friends & mother. Get a car/truck for travel/ rez trips. Turtle Drum, Hang drum. One day i want to play this.
     p36/37
    Decided to explain intimate details with growing comrades about being recently strapped down last year to hospital bed, not being able to explain the spiritual warfare i was fighting, not able to explain the reality i had with the words provided in this time & society. What i like about this apartment right now is that i always try to be & stay where theres family comradary- support, love, help, when there is need. providing couches, ground, food to people. Being that person in need & excited to pass it on to others who cross my path who i can give love/support to.
    Learning so intensely about race has taught me to hate my light skin. Ashamed to be so light & display privledge of ancestry whiteness. its been hard to understand  why i care, who ive been, who i am, who im not & that is all observed & understood by the hues of our skin, because of shit we cant control & black & brown sisters & brothers feeling the blows from the white world everyday.
    Didnt hear back from a job, rejected from houses. Exhaustion, confusion
    Comfort where i am
    love & kindness in a world
    where theyve tried to make
    those not exist
    Resistance becomes smiling at strangers walking by, staying humans in costumes with acts & anything that is not productive for survival, resistance & self defense during revolution must not put energy there.

    p38
    I will now copy passages from the Quran that Emad chose for me to see about important portions which aid in needing protection.  i was given a Quran from Hannibal attempted to start reading it & google all the words ive never heard of & been even more confused trying to piece together, different, time place, religion, worlds. Grew up with Christian brainwash confusion which made me a student with disabilities in college & then spiritually confused, trying to understand the world now myself while only having the cult bubbles of what i grew up with in churches & schools. i have been honest & open about who i am, who im not while trying to understand who i really am when that person is always changing. i am excited now to really study & write these parts of Quran for protection, told to look at by Imad’s father to him.

    Honored to be guided in what portion to start understanding

    Surah 112
    Al lkklas The purity of Faith
    In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful
    1. Say: He is Allah.
    The one & only.
    2. Allah, the Eternal, Absolute;
    3. He begeteth not,
    nor is he begotten;
    4. And there is none
    Like unto Him.
    From notes… His nature is so sublime, so far beyond our limited conceptions, that the best way in which we can realize him is to feel that he is a personality… He is near us; He cares about us; we owe our existance to Him. Thirdly, He is eternal… Fourthly we must not think of him as having a son or a father, for that would be to import animal qualities to our perceptions of Hims. He is not like an other person or thing that we know or can imagine.
     
    Surah 113
    The early Makkan Surah provides the antidote to superstition and fear by teaching us to seek refuge in Allah from every kind of ill arising from outer nature & from dark & evil plottings & envy on the part of others.

    -It is Allah who brings forth light from darkness and activity from death, spiritual enlightenment from ignorance and superstition. Banish fear & trust His providence. No danger, then, from the outer world. No secret plottings from perverted wills, no disturbance of your happiness or good, can affect the fortress of your inmost soul.

    Al Falaq (The Daybreak)
    In the name of Allah, Most Gracious Most Merciful
    1. Say: I seek refuge with the Lord of the Dawn,
    2. From the mischief of created things;
    3. From the mischief of Darkness as it overspreads;
    4. From the mischief of those who practise secret Arts;
    5. And from the mischief of the envious one as he practices envy.

    Introduction & summary to Surah 114 Al Nas

    It warns us specifically against the secret whispers of evil within our own hearts.
    -Insidious Evil lies in wait for man, & loves to whisper & withdraw, thus testing his will. But man can make Allah his sure shield; for Allah doth care for him & cherishes him: Allah is the heavenly king who gives him laws: And Allah is the goal to which he will return & be judged. Let man but place himself in Allah’s hands, & never can Evil touch him in his essential & inner life.

    Al Nas (Mankind)
    In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful
    1. Say: I seek refuge with the Lord & Cherisher of Mankind
    2. The king (or Ruler) of Mankind
    3. The God (or Judge) of Mankind
    4. From the mischief of the whisperer of Evil who withdraws (After his whisper)
    5. The same who whispers into the hearts of Mankind
    6. Among Jinns and among men

    I am not sure after closing the Quran & reading the last pages how much of that I can truly understand but I treated the words with an openness to understand & have some moments in this reading & writing that have now moved, stayed with me & taught me much. My interest in Islam comes from a place of mad respect, I was not too long ago, terrified of darkness & allowing it to overcome & enter me & because i felt it & saw it, i believed it & my maddnes was mixture of something i can reimagine feeling less lost & confused. My body aches from running, my back, my head, full of heaviness tonight after reading these words i treated with much importance & with everything ive experienced & understood now, i am reading it for myself & thinking about the people in my life.

    I have revisited my past reading this, talked a lot about the past, separated myself from many different groups & people. who am i? Today in conversations we talked about so much from the past of our lives & the changes which have brought us all together here.
    Moments of it teaching me of Christianity’s flaws, of the reality of suffering & slavery.

    i have thoughts about all my friends & all of the differences & the magic ive been exposed to & the feminism that is supremacist that ive stayed far from labeling myself.
    And for the reasons of cults, i still must be critical of giving what i believe some power but so much of me is already feeling relieved reading these words tonight feeling a little less afraid or confused.

    p39
    i feel like i can more honestly analyze the realities of my eyes, this life & ive run away from the whiteness.
    im only 1/4 mexican & that is the only “dark” portion of me but im just a mostly white appearing person & have histories that connect with comrades except when coming to the place where i cant/dont/wont fully connect/relate to anyone not fitting/making any sense to most. My mind hurts & i want to rest but the questions i have after reading this now are:
    -what was this written Quran provided to the world? written by who?
    -Man He- the male seems to dominate as the one with path, taken off path by “feminine” “witchcraft” deception… this part reminds me, teaches a lot, i had to read it many times to understand it more by accepting what i needed to from it & i immediately think of “witchy feminist” friends that ive been super close with & understood & connect with, & see the privledge there too in these spaces & im reminded from this passage also when i came back terrified & afraid after being overcome & almost killed by a darkness that tried to take me, possibly my own maddnes, & how i warned women who called themselves witches (as i did too) that manipulating realities with there powerful shit not really fully understood, just to be careful of your own self power over realities & how it overtakes you. Anyways, it’s hard to fully accept how to read what reminds me of the He Him God of Christianity & the patriarchy of that religion radicals without spirituality have taught me & i still accept by trying to understand
    Witchy capitalist mixed with
    Materialism , Self-love, trauma, healing, a rise of wisdoms from women shared stories against men white feminism group spells reality changing shifting connectedness tarot cards to meditate & think differently
    Another “anti-society” There is something to leave & take
    What truly lead me to witchcraft originally in the bay was this culture of it, all over everywhere, new & exciting & there’s a witchy style. i dont want to turn on my friends & im not but im understanding & accepting of who they are, who i may of thought i was, while writing realities see personally but may have been afraid to understand & connect with. im confused about all the paths & choices in the world of who to be around, where to live, what to do, fears in dreams & fast glimpses in my mind. Tonight i am reminded, im not crazy.

    p40
    Tomorrow i will fast from weed & have a clear focused mind.

    i am reminded of darkness in people, past lovers who ive hurt & healed from & must warn myself again tonight, do not repeat passed mistakes. None of what some people can offer you is worth getting close or involved with.
    Remember not to return to pain-makers.
    Do not go after, stay trapped in-love with, open your self up to that pain-inflicting place of wanting the torture because i need it & want it.

    Really desiring to seek everything new, now with new openness & confidence.
    Leave the past behind & run away.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAjOhBlnlwQ
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAjOhBlnlwQ

    p41

    im full of passion & feeding off of realness community uniting & fighting teaching wisdoms preeching propaganda. comrade down friend missing hurting gone lost missing ive been trying to spread the word to those who know her, now everyone knows. Shes been diagnosed mental illness. What to do now shes missing? No way to prepare for this. Where are you? what do u need? i can hear you.
    talk to me are you okay? Now that people who care about you are coming to me for questions, people you wanted support & love from now making decisions for you while your isolated lost somewhere. Day 2 now & theyve made flyers. we love you & we are thinking about you. i feel that you are warm & safe, Inshallah, Creator willing. Here for you support to you. te amo i love you

    Can you see the moon? look at the moon? Day 3 tomorrow we will search for you. hear this. Staring at the moon praying to find my missing comrade.

    p42
    last night, Yesturday !que bonita!
    Many eyes, words, talks, hands sharing, smokes, drinks, tatuaje & cooking food. Many stories, many places shit is crazy we feel it together. last night in big parties of many welcomed & loved by many, but not all.

    Ayana is at Stanford med hospital. I dont know for how long but shes there . only mom & sister can visit. Feeling lost & want to hug & speak with her. She did want support or did she have support? Prayer to the moon & hope she could feel the warm love & care from friend/warriors afar. te amo

    p43
    Start a filing job today doing constructions started building trusts & love for so many in this community. often i feel like i say too much to just anyone on a regular basis & need to be thoughtful with every word i bring to life. im early today on bart to this job. i could start building a shack in fruitvale & should take this opportunity to move off of friends couches & floors one day for personal space. Ayana gets out of hospital in a couple-few days now & im confused with what she needs, what she’s going through. Many care about her. i keep sending prayers in the ways i know how. Laura & Imad told me about Muslims 3 days ago praying together & all over for rain in this drought & it care as they prayed. i say hello too Allah, Pele, Creator, Spirit, all.
    It would be so nice to have a space. I hope to be a better friend to people whove been there for me too. im confused about who i believe about anything. sharpening critical minds when i go out into real world scenarios constantly collecting more perspectives. Death dryness confused about whats happening in the world universe. 
    El mar con amorigas manana.

    p44
    Prayer en el bosque
    Surrounded by la cuidad for so long makes me stop!
    Alto, slow. What do you want to do with your life?
    How do you live, survive each day?
    What are you doing?
    im hiking with beautiful warriors today, spiritual prayer stop
    Bliss begins with the welcome of the birds in their land.
    Traveling & content. before the hike we share smoke & food
    & hiphop histories oral traditions stories exchanging gifts
     & words its a time of sharing growth & celebration.
    Couldnt stop smoking yet. Been wondering if i want this secretary job being filing slave to concrete industry, where my mom & many of our familia have been in from LA. Been wondering if i should just go back to some under the table pay. Hoe do i want to show my body? What clothes would i rather where? What positions & roles make me happiest? what slave wage face should i wear? what do i believe? what am i learning? what am i looking for? who am i fighting with & what is the cause? Are warriors of today what weve become together? can i run away? or can i play dress up & have stimulating conversations with women, trans, two spirit godesses, battling the world & the men they are submissive to or dominate.

    Today i went from place to place from home to home biking alone with community of the streets.

    p46
    in the streets hide-aways escape going back into blurred moments of places see from past dreams where lessons & connections are made. Realness in a place where i can speak stories with new friends// growing in the numbers of people & support built upon the care systems from mothers, womyn. Sharing here-food, life, in-person interactions. Running from situations of judgement, running to lovers, kissing again & not completely feeling emotionally opened up yet & vulnerable. i like & love the crew in my life & the people in all these cities that we have. Revisiting the past. Who to trust who to fight with- questions about ideal worlds & how to live- whose rules & system we are under- they are hurting us but we are hurting us as well. Ranting out conversations & intenseness & realness flows out when we both feel it. Blessed, loved, appreciated-Let’s ride

    With how its been, are you going/staying people everywhere praying people creating cultures of their own or remembering their own histories of our Ancestors killed colonizers is a reminder to how far weve come youth disconnected from their elders. how do we speak & whats important. We need lessons.
    Hear the beat of the drum// war sands another black & brown brother down. another black youth shot down on the block of Mead & candles all night, every night since. we are outraged at these deaths. we human animals do to each other what they do to us. listening to dreams & seeing why realities flowing out words & not a care really to do everything my heart desire & open up giving love.

    p45
    Dear Ayana, How do i speak to you know as they have hid you away & silenced you? worse than being locked up if we cant see you or speak to you. you are so love & missed by so many youve been in the presense of & moved with. Thank you for your love & closeness with me even when we ran away from each other. always been together with thoughts & mad love// appreciation. sorry if i havent been there for you if you needed a friend/lover/comrade/sista/ when you get out seems like shit is gonna be different. you will have some stories to tell. hope your writing, making art, friends. Wish i could be there to feel shit witchu, youre a goddess & a warrior & your passionate soul explodes & drenches us in the blood of the pains of our mothers & our ideas to run away, disappear, join the circus, take the streets, is so far now. 
    i have 2 earring for you made from the people of Peru. bones & dream catcher. i have the other two & if we cant be together just remember if you are lost or lonely or heart aching or drugged or mind changing ill be there how i can for you if you need it. let me know. what do you need? are you able to hear when i stare at the moon & feel like im speaking to you? im sorry they got you. wondering who youve been, whose been there for you. who you love & feel close to. i wish we could just do everything now what you want to do. what are your dreams my love? Amoriga, womyn, healer, teacher, powerful preecher, of what you know. Sorry for unnecessary arguments & disputes & its been scary & hard to be close & weve been avoiding meeting but i never stopped thinking, missing, loving you. Thank you for adventures. Dont b sad <3s

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXAJkJt_-08

    p46
    I wasnt wanting to write but many important changes are happening. This 2014 year is important. Every year is important but i feel this year within me & my community is Oakland feels the importance of these moments now, what we want to make happen together & the reality that is can all happen because we are together & the reality that it can all happen because we are together. How did we all get here? How do all our different histories interact so that we can fight together? im moving into Autumn & Mari’as monday in two days from now, & this is very good for me & i need this support & stability. Real love & respect coming out genuinely is felt & accumulating. Mari’a gave me a traditional Pu’rapecha dress that has embroidered on it, the flower design of her Native peoples. We are warriors already & training our minds & bodies together. i plan to be a mother for a child & im 22 years old. i want to have sugar gliders as pets first thought & practice being a good care giver. i will pass my drug test this week because i am sober still day 4 now. Not smoking weed is hard because im forced to think about my past. We talked about our pasts tonight, & the reality of the struggles. Prison makes me think of my asshole prison guard father who hurt me by the ways he spoke// yelled at me growing up, how they forced me into counceling saying i was crazy, when they are crazy. ive run far from my past in Sacramento, i was raped in Elk Grove & have that trauma. More than actual events happening, its that i wasnt strong enough then or knowledgeable enough or confident enough to fight back or know that i should. Broken family at 4 years old. Always living out of suit cases, moving, struggling single mama survival. My childhood is such a blur & i like to keep it that way, but shit comes back that makes me want to breakdown & runaway again. Brainwash from Christianity & from prison guard mentality. These were my parents lessons. My German Portuguese was an abusive, racist pig, macho, masoganist, verbally abusive, screamer. I was so accustomed to his abrupt freakouts & outbursts & its easy to feel bad for someone so misreable as him. Living in a cesspool of trash & hoarding. His comedy/humor was Amerikkkan racist. My memories of dinner involve tv trays, tv always & him looking at porn, while “the family” my step-mother, camille sometimes & i would see what sites he was on- kingofass.com. These are the results of his bloodlines tracing back to the Natzis or some shit. My memories of uncle jack was that he was straight up kkk racist & told me to never love a black person when i was younger & at the time, i was in private christian school, in love with a black boy. Now i live in Oakland, a historically black neighborhood & gentrification is changing everything here. My fathers mother oma lucy- she made fun of fat peolpe & gays.- Natzis. Why else would these misreable white folks be here in Amerikkka if they werent running from being part of a holocaust there. i honestly dont know their history or why they are here, & that is okay. i dont feel like ive lost any part of me since everytime one dies i rejoice. Another terrible person i have no emotions or care for dropped dead. No sympathy. Their family slowly dieing away. im being brutal here but just blatenly honest. i experienced a world in my fathers home in Sac no one else in the world can understand or feel. i dont even have a majority of these memories & the most liberating moments i hold on to involve running away. Running from the disabilities & instabilities & insecurities & pecularities of my dad. i used to love him & now i cant speak to him. He yelled at me too many times, every night there would be a reason to blow up. Some nights worse than others & he never hurt me physically but the damage was done with the lessons he installed in me that ive been trying to unlearn.

    This is why i am thankful for my mother & her family. This is why i write about her & her closeness gives me strength. He is guarding everynight & i can care less about whats going on there & i wont know how it is because i refuse to go back there. My step mother fights him back & they are/were a disfunctional mess of crazy. paranoid parents trying to control their childrens everything. i hope camille can get herself out of there & i still do care about her. Maybe everything is different. Maybe they are all at peace now & helping each other. but that is not my family & those are not my people. i have some memories of my father- i hope to take back the collection of Native American artwork & stone collection he has all as good memories. He is someone who is hard for me to talk about outloud & since we spoke of our families & pasts tonight , i almost teared up many moments feeling overwhelmed that there is so much i keep in or cant explain or dont want to.
    i am ready for everything new to happen.
    the holdout opens up friday & theres a double feature movie party. Some deep comrades converge tomo for personal ice cream & movie party. i see muneeza & tomas & reema tomo in person. A serious meeting we will be having. We all have changed so much in a year.  4 month in palestine & now Muneeza is with her family, helping her mom. we both have connected by the hurt our fathers have put us & our mothers through.
    i have had to tell people mostly my mom & camille to stop telling me to speak to my dad, that i dont have to & demanded respect for these decisions. FUCK HIM. Thats not my life or my fight. i have more pain than gain. My friends are my people & my community sustains me & im here in west oakland because of these people, because of the history, the teachings, the education i get from these deep souls.
    i see how fast life is going by & we are youth quickly transforming into older selves, gaining life experience from struggle & we will always be struggling. But then there are nights like there where 15 or so of us sqweese together on the same couch, eating homemade foods, laughing, then serious tak, humor is needed. The older we get, the more we laugh on our youth. i am a baby. Time to rest & dream. When i move into this room & make it my sacred sanctuary of hiding & art-making & love-making & aloneness & smoking & reading & writing & loving.
    i am sober & writing &  my pen hasnt stopped. Sugar gliders will come into my life & heal me. Owning pets contradicts everything but they wont live in a cage. im content tonight.

    p47
    Today a beautiful black elder asked if she could kiss my tattoo of Mother Mary & child. That kiss protected both of us. i often kiss the mother & mary myself for love of our bodies & the womyn struggle on this earth. Someone told me that that this tattoo might be looked down upon since first of all i chose to mark myself with such a sacred symbol to religious catholic mexicans but also the indigenous Mayan & Aztecs, but also that her symbol is defaced, masked rebel with prayer & weapon. i have only recieved stories of love & appreciation for this mother & child though. Her kiss was felt & appreciated. This tattoo has allowed me to connect with the public in ways i would not have & protected me. te amo madres

    p48
    feeling overwhelmed with people over texts with trying to coordinate family/friends getting ayana out. Exhausted overstimulated from being around hella people at el qilombo. the interactions of fake small talk to real smoke/argue/conversations rants vents walkout oldout energies. back. head explosions realization confusions fit-in step back who you? Who are you? Confused in the process of baby »> warrior. Already a warrior but learning the basics of how to speak, how to think, how to act, how to react. What i feel should be valid but i dont feel strong enough to say shit, loud enough or proud enough, cuz im still learning although im always seeing & feeling excited for Ayana to be free hope we can find nature tomo & she can finally decide what she wants to do with her life. Not sure whats going on right now.

    UNPLUG FROM THE VORTEX
    hating on the internet, the techno ways we communicate now. how do we run away when now we just wait for them to eat us away & lock us up when they ready. excited to share my room with this sista comrade luva again. Hope to make art & go on explosion adventures & stay spiritual & active & run & fight & read & play & learn & grow. Excited for tomo today. happy now with the direction shit is going. we feel like something is about to pop off. Feeling shitty & anxieties tonight, what is this?
    Time to burn weed & sage deactivate Fakebook feeling detached, emotional, sensitive, crazy, distracted
    tiempo fumar ahora

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zjCDeXXvTTc

    Really appreciating the reality of community around me. sure issues will always be there but we are trying to still fight despite the odds against us to not be strong, or survive. we got homes, food, smoke, warmth, prayer, each other. Mari’a invited me to ceremoines with her, going to musjid, prayer friday & sisters Atia & Yasmine will be there. wanting to make prisoner support drawings/paintings/food.

    hes locked up @Vacaville & its all fucked. Free Antoine! Sharena’s brother. Hurting tonight with the hurting community in all directions. The prison industry & police deaths & brutality to community is felt.tired tonight.

    Ayana has moved in & was dancing  & singing & making music with Rola & going to a healer tomorrow morning & massage tonight. She is happy free.& feeling warmth & love. Downstairs getting used to this new house. Everything is still new for me too. inspired to start painting & to read & to figure out work for myself someday. failed drug test for mary jane, everything happens for a reason.
    Not meant to be. Excited for this. Happy comrade is safe. away from people trying to cage her & make her crazy. Happy about where we live… who we are friends with in this comm UNITY & womyn two spirit creatures are gonna take over el qilombo from the bros.

    Every conversation is a battle out there. we all spiritual creatures carrying out these missions from Creator// ready to let go of past to move forward. Ready to train the mind, be serious while just living & doing how we do. im thankful for the people in all of our lives & im ready to keep learning with people. i dont feel heard or respected all the time & im learning u get that with time in community for what u passionately fight for.

    Maria y Muneeza are both these revolutionary, perceived feminized materialized, warriors///all of my womyn sisters now are warriors fighting these men. Ready to change more in my life. This journal is about to end & a new phase is coming in just as this creative energy is the community flows. She is snoring next to me & im appreciating this reality right now. Feels hard outside police everywhere started to make me afraid. Happy to not have smartfone, delete fakebook, going to real world now. im confused & overwhelmed about all these changes, this year is full of a lot & will teach us a lot. Hard but good. Happy to be in Oakland, appreciative of my grandparents. Te amo familia de rez y Navarros y mama’.

     
      this last part was very hard to type. many tears.

     thank you for reading.

     


  6. poesiamariarte:

    In this mind of mine

    lingering distance of time

    lost in thoughts

    moment of clarity

    in this unwanted fogginess

    I feel like nobody listens

    this is not self-imposed, I know, I suppose.

    This is what the mind on revolt

    tells itself to cope.

    Deep in thought draw my emotions, hear clearly,

     


  7.  


  8. black and brown// native and black// connected diaspora peoples

    This wont be found on the interwebs of what can and cant be… no His-Story amerikkka books will connect us… but oral stories from four corner reservations and trusted continually resisting elders explain to privileged outsider supporters who come to listen, Black Panthers ran to rez for help from being targeted by feds and native peoples from Mexico, especially before borders have always traveled and connected in the continual struggle in resistance for decolonization and survival of diaspora peoples, all shades and struggles connecting. Palestinian fighters recently connecting with reservation elders and translations from Arabic to Dine’ for first times ever known brought to connect genocidal wars and to study oppressors in ceremony. Ready for trip to serve with serious warriors and be back with elders again this year for continued lessons.

     


  9. When living in Central Park 2011

     


  10. letter to my elders

    Today at 7:21 AM
    i am away from many of u for large chunks of time in years spans sometimes…
    te amo, tengo prguntas while im in oakland learning about the black and brown histories and how deeply we connect and intersect. how we were all colonized differently similarly. powerful learning history and thank u for being my teachers in past.
    excited to let u know that i am on my own spirirtual path towards Islam and converting to becoming muslim and learning what that means to me and my life and for spiritual understanding and discipline. excited to share with family stories of how we are all living differently next time i see u.
    planning to return to navajo rez again in the next 3 months with another group. those elders there have become family to me now. moved in with mother in galt with my objects but already jumping around many cities needing to be around this reality of commUNITY in Oakland that is unlike any other in the world. The strength of people in resistance and understanding who we are and what our histories of our ancestors are from this colonized system of enslavement and genocidal wars and prison industry and poisonous produce… the vibrations of hood life and reservations is 3rd world in the supposed 1st world and there are dreams beginning now to change everything and fight together. intertribal. people are in resistance everyday and surviving… so many deaths i have felt here in oakland in short time of living here and visiting. an injury to one is an injury to all, and having to constantly stand up to police violence and being against wars, acknowledging they exist and how we are apart of it, especially when we are silent, is hard work when the world is run on what you are trying to take back. learning constantly to decolonize reality inside my own mind and with others.
    i have questions about our history…
    Questions para abuelos but if you want to answer anything you feel back after seeing this, just trying to speak with you all in this way. only speakig in realness. been growing and fighting with real warriors these past years and finally feeling very stable with the people in my life who are going to fight with me for a long time.
    Hey Gramma Jo,
    This is for you now. I have these questions for GRAMMA JO AND GRAMPA RAY but if you dont want to type anything because this is a lot to read even, we can just do a video interview next time i see you. ily te amo
    -What has been your occupations/hobbies? What were your parents occupations/hobbies? Your grandparents occupations/hobbies? 
    -How big was family? Family gatherings throughout time?
    -Where is our family outside of the US and what are they doing today?
    -Who is alive and where specifically are people living? Can we find them?
    -When we trace back our ancestry as far back as we know, where did our people begin? Creation story? All connected to same land same man?
    -How can i connect with family in Ireland, Mexico & where else is family at in the world?
    Is it true that Grandpa Ray has a relative from Iran? (Bob told me there was a story grandpa told him)
    -Who else are we related to and where else?
    -What are the specific historical reasons that we had family flee to US? Why are we removed and mixed from leaving homelands of our ancestors?
    The youth more and more are disconnected by their histories & who they are. Why they are here. Who their ancestors are. If i was around my own elders i would ask you these things.
    much love, S
     

  11. last day and woke to say

    rain down, Rise up
    spirit of smoke
    i came to you
    knowing nothing
    sharing everything
    genuine love
    fighting soul
    last day in bay
    object removal
    to another world
    thank you for the
    chaos, the tears,
    the dancing in masks
    running around in streets,
    thank you for these people
    for these conversations
    and healing beats
    from wounded warriors
    who dream of children
    many generations
    from now winning!
    armed and ready
    who says we arent winning?
    prayers only continue while
    learning how to pray again
    i came to you
    knowing nothing
    leaving with your
    accumulated wisdoms
    stories shared between
    us in our boxes
    we wish to escape
    and we are always learning.
    time alone, inner child
    screaming at this reality
    this silence will energize
    the future fights
    wherever they come
    rest, eat, pray, fast, work
    live this life with passion
    to fight to breathe to grow
    to raise ourselves in UNITY
    time to runaway again
    this time back to my mother

     
     


  12. poesiamariarte:

    At a young age I learned about memory and my grandmothers daily battle with Alzheimers, so I sought other elders and solitude for guidance….my ego checked by wisdom passed down thru love and tranquility: “Psychologists ‘study’ the mind, while scholars seek knowledge for self-healing: two…

     


  13. Journal//prayer//thanks// entry 26 de marzo 2014

    opened my journal and im ready to write. im ready to fight. Realizing so much exponential knowledge wisdom// Reminder from last year, the work is bringing LIFE TO DEATH AND DEATH TO LIFE. Reminder dreams warning of the police state white colonialism all along, 520 years ago & the police began in this country as slave catchers. FUCK THEIR SYSTEM THIS REALITY. These daze have been passing by. Growing with sisters in commUNITY- vision dreams of all black & brown autonomous neighborhoods without alcohal or drugs, only what grows from the ground. Life is passing & we must stay focused. Realizing so much about my past, able to heal, grow stronger & fight on!

    i will only associate with warriors, Resistors. If they take my books that will be the end of me, these are my sacred texts that ive been keeping & recording for my future generations from now. We must think not just of today and tomorrow but of 7 generations from now. Our childrens, childrens, childrens… The youth of today, WE still are the youth of today. i realized ive been accepted at new levels with the support and care ive been able to give and receive.

    These moments in Oakland where ive been more than privledged to be living all around, have been the most beautiful moments of my life. i realized today that my own blood family has become so warped with this world & they work & help & fight & survive in all their own ways we do here in the US. Mi abuelo Ramon came to amerikkka escaping from Mexican military, he had some family who came with him to LA and that is were mi abuela Joanne came from Ireland from famine and colonization i am told. We still have a huge amount of our ancestors and peoples all over the land in Guadalajara, Mexico with the supposed last name Navarro. My tias y mi madre all have terrible stories of those places & they feel blessed & lucky to live here in the US & dont want to live anywhere else.

    i dont want to live like this in the US. i want to live and survive out of these city ways and/or alter the vibrations that we all feel here on the streets and in our homes from drugs and capitalizm and poverty and racism and genocide happening here in the hood or outside borders to keep certain white colonizts safe. others live here too and are speaking of things that are frightening to white man and his friends. the control he thought he had over anyone darker than them and anyone with a body to take, hurt and rape… Fuck the white man and other forms of facism i am now seeing more clearly. the battles become simpler when others keep becoming irrelevant.

    wherever ive traveled & been, people along journeys, we are all surviving however possible. my mother who is the closest to me in my family, is leaving me, we are like supportive best friends at this point, connected by blood, spirit, tears and prayer. i havent been able to cry whien i want to but crying on & off sharing stories with my sisters living with and around me. We have exchanged gifts of clothes from our families and tattooed each another, played music as acts of intentional breaks in silence and healing and shared secret necessary stories about ourselves. we are learning together so many skills.

    Woke up this morning to M thanking me for hanging out in the east with H for gatherings. No white people there yet, not gentrified like West O. We went to Wholefoods & thoughtfully picked out healthy organic greens & other veggies that will help our friend fight his cancer. We all love each other so much. i feel the mad love from the people i consider to be my commUNITY. who will fight with, die with, raise children with, pray with… i have continually been learning & need to be doing right now, about my own history.

    my past of my father will only be known to me by seeing the German Portugese colonizer racist white folks, i aways have to list it, they disgust me, when theyve died ive been glad. Heartless to them. They were always racist and abusive to my mother. My “MEXICAN IRISH” history is also unknown really by me & i realized that i dont identify with ireland or mexico, except the places ive been there in my childhood. Definately angry with the man who is my blood father, prison guard at Vacaville who cursed my moments but i realized that ive survived what i have from his home, from christianity fundamental america brainwash sensorship. its a blessing to not be indoctrinated.

    E&L, who homed me not too long ago now looking for a place to live. They wanted to make sure we have another movie party. we need to all be together for family. For real. Its beautiful what happens when minds who respect each another speak freely & are understood. The pen is going, havent stopped. im blessed.

    i pray for my friends & my mother & all of their struggles i hold within me.

    i realized past lovers and abusers are morgan, syd and my father michael are all evil people. Anything i say will not be understood & we will be at war where we want to ruin each another. Fuck my father and the job he was privileged to accept, here who how now.

    i pray that he no longer abuses anyone.

    i pray that my sister from another mother Camille stays dry & strong

    i pray that my mother gathers what she can back for work & pays off her immense debt

    i pray that im dedicated to projects and building

    Thank you Allah//Creator for all the beautiful real warriors you have brought me to & thank you for waking me up to the fascism that is here & who to protect myself from.
    Thank you for meeting me with all of these people & show me what i need to be learning & doing.

    i want to do what is right. im ready to be alone more.

    Is this all the path? Back to Galt? im not dark brown, & white people will always want me to be white. White people have always been the people to rape, hurt, terrorize in Sacramento, tell me what to wear say be. Until I realized living here in bay, around more and more amazing people from all over and how our stories overlap or interact, and ive felt how powerful this is. My skin has been pale by my father’s colonization to my mother’s body where she believes she must be the sex slave wives to these white men with money. Now she is with another one, this time 7 years now. ive met many of these men before. Weve moved on the go my entire life. Who is my mother? The only way for me to learn my history is to come back home.

    i need to be learning spanish, arabic. studying books friends recommend for learning more about Islam, history. spiritual time in every intentional act. eating better more water clean. smoking less herb. working focused. Rest play. excited for the future. Everything changes every moment so much love between us. Our voices are learning to speak & getting louder. How can i be doing shit while away from all of these people & alone? Just working on myself? Should i get a car and move in that way? Should i go with the flow?

    I miss Marie at Navajo Nation & Arvin too. The sheep. Puppies. Up at dawn, work all day eat smoke cook wash rest pray. Fires. Traditional ways to survive. Respect to the people of the lands we stand on everywhere. Concrete covered mass graves.

    Bless our ways.

     

  14. Time for change

     

  15. Amores y familia